Jenn_Lytle's Xanga

and what, pray tell, shall we do now?

Sat, 28 Mar 2009 02:22:22 GMT

i have heard it said that the things that you love you cause the most pain.

and i've heard it said that no matter where you go, there you are.

so i guess the question is...

can you guess? ;)

i love you all. even you. yeah YOU. i miss you most of all.

XOXO

"burning down neverland scatter the ashes, white lines black ties the mansions..."

alexithymia

Sat, 28 Feb 2009 01:22:36 GMT

i yearn for things to be as they once were

but in truth i know it would have turned out the same.

i hope you are all well.

love. jen

it's just another night, another dream wasted on you...

what a strange journey it has been...and how long the road ahead looks...

Mon, 27 Nov 2006 03:38:47 GMT

hmm..so hello xanga. it's been a long time.

these rocks are threatening to drown me...and i harbor no illusions that this is anyone's fault but my own.

of course, i don't even know who 'i' am anymore. who is jen? well, judging from her actions she is a selfish, judgemental, hurtful, mean little girl who refused to listen to anyone who was trying to keep her off the road of destruction.

inside...she is numb. overwhelmed with trying to extricate herself from the muck and mire she threw herself into. every positive step is matched with two negatives thrown right back.

karma is one vengeful lady.

so xanga...here i am. not the same as i have ever been before. missing the girl who could smile and laugh with real joy...who loved to sing of her love for Him...who loved to tell others of the life she had found in HIM....who loved people. who knew that the gift God had given her to reach people was her love for relationships and willingness to give until her well was dry.

only she forgot to fill that well back up from the water that truly quenches the soul. and when you're empty you can't give much. and giving from your own strength lasts only pitifully long before you are left gasping for one breath of air.

when you are dry where do you go to refuel? if not to that life-giving well then to an imitation. and the imitation only leaves you more thirsty than before. so you have to drink more and more and you sink lower and lower until you don't even believe you had the 'real' water to begin with. all there ever was or will be is this thirst and longing...this chase always leading to things that cannot satisfy.

"If you put your arms around me,
Could it change the way I feel?
I guess I let myself believe
That the outside might just bleed its way in
Maybe stir the sleeping past
Lying under glass
I'm waiting for the kiss
That breaks this awful spell
Pull me out
Of this lonely cell

Close my eyes and hold my heart
Cover me and make me something..." JOC

Wednesday, August 30, 2006

Wed, 30 Aug 2006 17:23:24 GMT

i will be 20 in 5 days!!!

yay...though i'm not sure why this birthday excites me so much..nothing really happens. nonetheless i am EXCITED. :)

leave me some love or let me know if ya wanna get together or something this weekend. i think most people are going to be in town so perhaps a gathering of some sort?

let me know.

love you all.

jen!

3 am and again i can't sleep...

Fri, 25 Aug 2006 06:37:02 GMT

repentance.

does god's patience run out when we die or when we've had too many chances?

what are 'the elect'?

am i one of them?

if i'm not, can i ever accept jesus christ?

does god's patience run out when we die or when we've had too many chances?

is it too late?

Thursday, August 24, 2006

Thu, 24 Aug 2006 02:00:32 GMT

Realizing that you still have people that love you even after all you have done wrong really makes you think about GRACE.

i don't deserve friends like you guys...but i'm awfully blessed to still have you after all this.

i'm trying...what else can be said but i LOVE you...even though i'm realizing i'm not sure i ever knew how to really love in the first place.

thank you for putting up with me

~me

when in doubt, fake it 'til it's real...

Wed, 09 Aug 2006 23:47:38 GMT

time for jen to be happy!!

that's right it is and YOU make me happy so call me!!

note:YOU= everyone that reads this :)

Tuesday, August 08, 2006

Tue, 08 Aug 2006 00:21:33 GMT

you know every time i turn around i'm throwing away my gold to chase after dross...

why do You even look at me after all i have done? i throw your gifts back in your face like they're nothing to chase what i think i need.

"stumbled upon the truth...wished it'd get out of my way. when i see the light i pull down the shade."

why can't i be okay? just when everything seems to be great i decide to fall down the rabbit hole and lose myself again.

i'm always having to be fixed...seems as though i might just be ready for the junk pile. i'm tired of messing it all up over and over again.

i don't deserve grace or mercy. not this time.

i am so truly sorry for what i do to you. i miss you...that feel of forever. it hurts to remember..

a few things...

Fri, 28 Jul 2006 20:12:08 GMT

all i can do is try not to make the same mistake again.

i cannot change the past or the decisions i have made.

while i cannot forget the things i have done, beating myself up for the rest of my life does no good.

i can apologize but i cannot expect forgiveness...i do not.

i can try to make amends, but only if you let me.

if you do not, i cannot live in stasis feeling sorry for myself.

sometimes you just have to take the consequences and move on.

i love you...

redemption has never felt so far away.

Friday, July 28, 2006

Fri, 28 Jul 2006 20:01:49 GMT

almost a full three years documented on xanga....weird.