hmm..so hello xanga. it's been a long time. these rocks are threatening to drown me...and i harbor no illusions that this is anyone's fault but my own. of course, i don't even know who 'i' am anymore. who is jen? well, judging from her actions she is a selfish, judgemental, hurtful, mean little girl who refused to listen to anyone who was trying to keep her off the road of destruction. inside...she is numb. overwhelmed with trying to extricate herself from the muck and mire she threw herself into. every positive step is matched with two negatives thrown right back. karma is one vengeful lady. so xanga...here i am. not the same as i have ever been before. missing the girl who could smile and laugh with real joy...who loved to sing of her love for Him...who loved to tell others of the life she had found in HIM....who loved people. who knew that the gift God had given her to reach people was her love for relationships and willingness to give until her well was dry. only she forgot to fill that well back up from the water that truly quenches the soul. and when you're empty you can't give much. and giving from your own strength lasts only pitifully long before you are left gasping for one breath of air. when you are dry where do you go to refuel? if not to that life-giving well then to an imitation. and the imitation only leaves you more thirsty than before. so you have to drink more and more and you sink lower and lower until you don't even believe you had the 'real' water to begin with. all there ever was or will be is this thirst and longing...this chase always leading to things that cannot satisfy. "If you put your arms around me,
Could it change the way I feel?
I guess I let myself believe
That the outside might just bleed its way in
Maybe stir the sleeping past
Lying under glass
I'm waiting for the kiss
That breaks this awful spell
Pull me out
Of this lonely cell
Close my eyes and hold my heart
Cover me and make me something..." JOC
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